Uma querela

So, today I felt like writing in English and my roots, because my roots once again forsake me. It betrayed me.

First of all, I must start to speak about the three men in my life now. And likewise the beginning of this blog, names, nationality or place shall not be mentioned.

I thought about fictional names for my lovers. And then I preferred something more 21st Century, like a nickname.

So, in order of importance, here therefore I write about my beloveds and my consequents affairs or almost affairs.

The bachelor is the one I dream about, that I compare everyone else with, the one my heart and body longs for every minute. He is the one whose touch I can forget. That invaded my body with desire and sweet strength but no love. It was really sad to later found out that was never affection there.

There’s also the The Backup. He was the one I run to when I found myself in despair because of The Bachelor. All I could say about him is that he himself could be found in despair and loneliness after an unfortunate relationship himself. We are both needy. But as far as looks there’s nothing in him that would call my attention.

And then the third and least, I wish I could find him the perfect nickname. I believe The Tutor would do. Why the tutor? He’s older than him and has had the most long and platonic desire for me. Hard to explain, and too many details would expose the both us. At the beginning he was the man that scared me. He has a vast knowledge in terms of relationship and sex and when we met I was only the girl that knew nothing but one lasting relationship where sex was weird.

In my only firm and lasting relationship I was just a teenager that grew up under the surveillance of a really tough and strict father. And then he came.

All the men I flirted with are always older than me. Something about their experiences draws my attention and as the same time it awakes something in me, it scares me as well.

I must mention now about The Boyfriend, my only true boyfriend so far. Even though there are no feelings left about him, I miss his touch. He introduced me to sex and all its pleasures even though I wouldn’t allow him to do whatever he wanted. He gave me pleasure. I had so many orgasms with him that I can’t even remember. But for some reason, the sex wasn’t enough to keep us together. That taught me a lot about being with someone for the rest of your life.

Oh yes! I believe and long for marriage. All I want is to make him REALLY happy.
“O teu desejo é meu melhor prazer”. That’s all I want to be true in our lives!

OK, back to The Tutor. Our conversations were always hot. He would tell me all his fantasies. What he wanted at times would gross me, but now they don’t seem that bad! But, with him is a sort of give and take. And keep him near.

The Bachelor doesn’t call me or pursue me anymore. Even though this is hard for me to admit! Because when I think about kissing someone, he’s the one in my mind. When my panties get wet and I touch myself, he’s the one I think of. And I regret. And I ask myself what went wrong.

The Backup, I don’t know. Too pure, I believe. And too young too! But it is nice to feel desired.

The Tutor… Right now the only thing I wanted is to have him in this exact moment in bed with me. It’s too boring to do it myself.

My questions are: should I go after The bachelor? Should I just forget him and let The Tutor have me? Is there any hope for me and the Bachelor?

The backup is just someone there... nothing else. Poor thing.

I guess life is a bitch ah? Quem eu quero não me quer e quem me quer eu não quero. Sucks. I grew up thinking : if a guy wants me he'll persue me, he'll miss me, right? If that's so, it's time to let the bachelor go.

Tonight I'm going out with some friends to drink something and smoke a bit, try to forget. But deep inside I'm going because as a Brazilian song says everyone expects something from a saturday night.